As an apology for not posting anything last Monday, I am giving you a second post today. This post is to promote a website I came across, called Christmas Day. They have loads of information about Xmas, decorations and celebrations… Read More ›
Jokes
Santa Knows
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent. Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound… Read More ›
The Suspected Wharfie
There was a certain wharfie on the Melbourne waterfront who was suspected of stealing. Each day he left the wharf where he worked, pushing a wheelbarrow filled with straw. So a police detective was detailed to watch him. The detective… Read More ›
Fighting Fire
My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. — Peter Kay
Diggers of Two Wars
On a footpath in Tel Aviv one day in October, 1942, an old English colonel and a young American major were discussing the war situation in general when they were approached by four youthful Aussie soldiers who had been imbibing… Read More ›
Arrack and Sympathy
During the second world war two Aussie soldiers were in Damascus on leave from a camp nearby. During their perambulations around the city they sampled quite a number of noggins of the local brew, arrack, and eventually they became hopelessly… Read More ›
Where there’s a will…
The Australian platoon was under heavy Japanese frontal attack. The commander yelled out, “Fire at will!” “Cripes,” growled Chiller, “if you can pick Will outta that mob, you’re a better man than I am !” — Bill Wannan in Come… Read More ›
Unusual Commands
There was a certain Australian sar’major during World War I who gave his commands in a most unorthodox manner. “Slope arms — you, too!” “Present arms — you, too!” “Forward march — you, too!” After the parade one day, a… Read More ›
Of course
The first grade was learning the letters of the alphabet. ‘What comes after T?’ the teacher asked. Nettie quickly answered, ‘V’. — Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2
Hell vs gaol
[Jack]* was arrested and charged with cattle stealing. At the trial the judge asked him what would happen if he told a lie. “Well, boss,” said [Jack]*, “I think I go to hell.” “And,” continued the judge, “what happens if… Read More ›
Level-headed
How can you tell a level-headed Australian? They dribble out both sides of their mouth. — Allan & Barbara Pease in Why Men Lie and Women Cry
Well balanced
Why are Aussie’s so well-balanced? They have a chip on both shoulders. — Allan & Barbara Pease in Why Men Lie and Women Cry
Important question
The professor was delivering the last lecture of term. ‘The examination papers are in the hands of the printer,’ he concluded. ‘Now, are there any questions you would like answered?’ Silence prevailed for a moment. Then a voice piped up,… Read More ›
Australia vs yoghurt
What’s the difference between Australia and yoghurt? At least yoghurt has some culture! — Allan & Barbara Pease in Why Men Lie and Women Cry
Great poet discovered
Professor: ‘Did you write this poem without any outside help?’ Student: ‘I did.’ Professor: ‘To think I would be lucky enough to have Lord Byron in my class!’ — Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes… Read More ›
Where the convicts come from
A dear old Australian lady, many years ago, won Tatts’ lottery. She was asked if she would take a trip to England. “England!” she shuddered. “Certainly not! Why, that’s where the convicts come from!” — Bill Wannan’s Come in Spinner… Read More ›
Subtraction
Tommy did not seem to understand subtraction, so the teacher tried to make it plain with the following example: ‘Now, suppose Billy had fifty pence,’ said the teacher. ‘Yes’m,’ said Tommy. ‘And you asked him for twenty-five.’ ‘Yes’m.’ ‘How much… Read More ›
PMT
What’s the difference between a woman with PMT and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. — Allan & Barbara Pease in Why Men Lie and Women Cry
Not that kind
Man to friend: ‘What do you have if you have fifty rabbits all in a row and they all back up one step?’ Friend: ‘I don’t know. Tell me.’ Man: ‘A receding hare-line!’ — Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V… Read More ›
Coffee
When a company says, ‘Our coffee is good to the last drop,’ you wonder what is wrong with the last drop. — Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2 Related articles… Read More ›
Tart vs bitch
What’s the difference between a tart and a bitch? A tart will sleep with anyone. A bitch will sleep with anyone except you. — Allan & Barbara Pease in Why Men Lie and Women Cry Related articles Bitches Be Like……. Read More ›
Yes men
Why can’t some of these ‘yes’ men be bank officers? — Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in Jokes, Quotes & One Liners Volume 2
Don’t worry
An employee became ill and was rushed to the hospital. The next day his boss was among the first to visit him. ‘Now John,’ he pleaded, ‘don’t worry about a thing. Everyone at the office is going to pitch in… Read More ›
Cheque
A would-be customer wrote to a mail-order company as follows: ‘Please send me one of the engines you show on page 87. If it’s any good, I’ll send you a cheque.’ In time, he received this reply: ‘Please send cheque…. Read More ›
Stolen
The absentminded professor drove up to the door of his garage, looked inside, blinked, and then leaped back into his car and drove at breakneck speed to the police station. “sergeant,” he gasped, “my car’s been stolen!’ — Herbert V… Read More ›
Two jobs
The chief constable of a small Yorkshire town was also an expert veterinary surgeon. One night the telephone rang. The chief constable’s wife answered it. “Is Mr Blank there?” inquired an agitated voice. “Do you want my husband in his… Read More ›
Alternatives…
Men don’t get lost – they simply discover alternative destinations. — Allan & Barbara Pease in Why Men Lie and Women Cry Related articles Why men lie and women cry (clemencealdebourne.wordpress.com)
Zoo
Mother: ‘Today I want you to take your brother Eddie to the zoo.’ Roy: ‘Not me. If they want him they’ll have to come get him.’ —Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr. in ‘Jokes, Quotes & One Liners… Read More ›
Prefix
‘Some plants,’ said the biology teacher, ‘have the prefix “dog”. For instance, there is the dogwood, the dogviolet. Who can name another plant prefixed by “dog”?’ ‘I can,’ shouted the little boy in the back row. ‘How about “collie flower”?’… Read More ›
Herbert V Prochnow & Herbert V Prochnow Jr in Jokes Quotes & One Liners
A reporter was interviewing a man who was believed to be the oldest resident in town. ‘May I ask how old you are?’ the newsman enquired. ‘I just turned a hundred this week,’ the old man proudly replied. ‘Great! Do… Read More ›
Rafferty's Rules is Closing Down 